So the illustrious Harry Reid said that the pre-royal Obama was light skinned enough to get elected and only spoke with a “negro dialect” when it was convenient.  For some reason this has upset some people.

You guys just aren’t listening.  As a “wise Latino” I tried to explain how this whole racism thing works before but you guys still don’t get it.  Here, go back and read the post from September.  http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2009/09/16/it-doesnt-matter-what-we-say-anyway/

For the record, Harry Reid would consider me “light skinned” too. But I do tan extremely well.

So, once again, let me try to break this down for all the haters, southerners, rednecks, gun nuts, and right wing fanatics that frequent this blog, that is, if you can quit building pipe bombs and burning crosses long enough to pay attention… Whitey.   If you follow Correia’s simple Rules of Racism, you too will be as wise as the staff of the New York Times.

I know that this can be rather complicated. I know that you’re saying to yourself, “but Correia, I don’t have a racist bone in my body!”  Listen, buddy, it doesn’t matter if you marched across the Selma Bridge with Martin Luther King and have been personally devoured by Birmingham police German Shepherds while being sprayed with a fire hose right after getting married to a blind dyslexic  Jamaican/Chinese/Honduran/Polynesian/Kenyan transsexual midget with polio.  If the media says you’re bigot, you are, so you damn well better learn the rules.  There is only one, so it shouldn’t be too hard.

Rule Number One! (or would that be Uno?  Hmmm….)

1. Anything done, thought, said, created, or imagined by a republican, conservative, or libertarian, is automatically RACIST if it is convenient.  Anything done by a liberal, Hollywood type, progressive, socialist, democrat, or Kayne West is automatically NOT RACIST.  This will be referred to as Rule #1. 

So let’s go through some examples.

If you use the word Negro in casual conversation anytime after 1954 = RACIST.  Unless you’re a democrat senator, then NOT RACIST.  The same thing if you say that the black guy is only qualified to serve you coffee. That would be bad for most of us, but if you were once a democrat president then you’re good to hook.  (on a related topic, this is also the loophole that allows you to be a womanizing misogynist and still get supported by feminists!)

If you refer to “Negro Dialect” = RACIST. (unless it violates Rule #1 obviously)  And besides, everyone knows that the correct term is Ebonics. 

On that note, if you joke about Ebonics and how if that’s how you talk then you’ll never be able to get a real job because you sound like an illiterate moron, then that is RACIST.  If you are employed in professional education and you think that tax money should be used to teach Ebonics as a legitimate substitute for English because people from the inner-city are incapable of learning English, then that is NOT RACIST.

If you make a movie (Transformers) where Anthony Anderson screams “Momma don’t like no po-leece on the carpet!” or “You’se gots to eats up all the doughnuts or they’ll think you’se guilty! Oh noes, I done ates up all dem doughnuts and I’m sick!” then that is NOT RACIST.  If the sequel has buck-toothed, big eared, gold-toothed, bling wearing, jive talking robots, then well… even Rule #1 has its limits.

On the same note, I remember reading a review of Black Hawk Down, where the reviewer was offended that all of the bad guys were black… Keeping in mind that this was a movie about a true event that took place in Somalia… Historical accuracy is RACIST!   

Back on topic, if you were a KKK recruiter, then you are obviously RACIST.  Unless you’re Robert Byrd, who happens to be a democrat senator. Because then it was okay because everyone else was burning crosses too back then. (not really, but that is the narrative)

If you wish a happy birthday to an old man and say something positive about his presidential campaign from SIX DECADES ago, and that campaign was based on segregation… well, this one may seem complicated, because it was a segregationist DEMOCRAT presidential campaign, but see Rule #1.  If you are republican, you resign in immediate shame. 

If you have an organization that only allows white people to join, then you are a RACIST.  If you have an organization that only allows black people to join, like the Congressional Black Congress, then that is NOT RACIST. 

Now this isn’t just limited to politics. You can apply it everywhere in life!  Basically take anything that makes sense and flip it on its head and you will be as sensitive to race relations as the staff of CNN!

If you have a US Army officer who is going off about how wonderful jihad is and how suicide bombers are just misunderstood, and you actually pay attention to him with the idea that he might, just might, be dangerous.  RACIST!!!!  In fact, that would be so racist that instead you better promote him.  NOT RACIST.  Much better.

In that vein, if you have a guy from Africa, flying one way, with no luggage, who paid in cash, whose name is something like Mohammad Allah Jihad Kaboom, and you pull him out of line at the airport for the random pat down. RACIST!  Instead after he fails to blow up the plane because of a miscalculation in the formulation of his underwear bomb and gets his ass kicked by a random Dutchman, you should step up other non-racist defensive measures. Like patting down more old ladies from Delaware or making it so that you can’t have a laptop or blanket in the last hour of the flight. (because everyone knows bombs only work in the last hour of the flight, silly).

Let’s say that you are a democrat and you do something really, blatantly stupid. Don’t worry. Because somebody will come along and cite your “strong track record on civil rights”.  This is an interesting choice of words if you think about it.  How many politicians can you think of that actually say they are against “civil rights?” That would be like coming out and saying that you are against puppies and rainbows.  Having a strong track record on civil rights is code for voting for socialist crap at every chance, but it does get you a total pass for talking about light-skinned negroes being kept in their place serving you coffee.

The key thing to remember, my honky readership, is that it is totally okay to be a complete jackass as long as you’re a progressive.  Look at Woodrow Wilson. The man was quoted in Birth of a Nation for goodness sakes! He hated black people, and he’s a friggin’ democrat hero.  NOT RACIST!  On the other hand Ronald Reagan thought that maybe aborting millions of black children might be bad. RACIST HATE MONGER!!!!

As a progressive, anything and everything you do is okay in the eyes of the establishment.  You can use racist terminology and Al Sharpton himself will come to your defense. You can be accused of sexual assault on half a dozen occasions and still be a champion of feminism. You can get drunk, drown an innocent girl in your car, and be a friggin’ superstar.  Hell, even Harry Reid complained about how smelly the ugly tourists were in the capitol and nobody cared.  DOUCHEBAG! BUT NOT A RACIST!

Tiger Woods apparently prefers white chicks.  QUESTION MARK!  I heard some idiot talking head going on about how that is RACIST because the guy who is mostly Asian and part black cheated on his Norwegian supermodel wife with over a dozen cocktail waitresses… (he actually said that Tiger had been co-opted by the “white establishment” and the other talking heads nodded along like that made any kind of sense) but since the news has actually been poking at him, I’ve got to assume that Tiger is conservative… Therefore he is RACIST!  Unless he runs for office as a democrat, then see rule #1.

Mel Gibson got drunk and said bad things about Jews… This is a tough one.  He’s from Hollywood, but then again, he made a movie about Jesus…  I’m assuming RACIST!   Jews are a tough one. If you say something negative about Jews, and you are, for example, Jesse Jackson, then it is obviously okay.  This also carries over to saying anything negative about Israel, because apparently Jews with guns don’t count.  “I like Israelis and fully support them when they bomb the ever living crap out of their idiot car-bombing, schoolyard murdering, terrorist scumbag neighbors.”  OBVIOUS RACIST!!!

With practice this can become a simple little exercise. You don’t even need facts!  With my simple one step system all you need is a name and you can immediately jump to whatever conclusion you want and be perfectly justified even before you hear what they said.  Rush Limbaugh! RACIST!  Clarence Thomas! RACIST!  Che Guevara! NOT RACIST! Tea Party! RACIST! Louis Farrakhan! NOT RACIST!  It is a brilliant system. 

Now go forth and be enlightened.