Yes, I know I’ve already posted this list here, but I’m going to be on the road, probably won’t be able to access the blog much, so I might as well make sure this is the first thing on the page for the duration.
Come by, say hi, and please tell your friends.
July 31st, 3:00 p.m. Dreamhaven–Fund Raiser for Uncle Hugo’s (with Mike Kupari) 2301 E. 38th Street Minneapolis, MN 55406 612-823-6161 http://www.unclehugo.com/prod/
If you want an autographed copy shipped to you, use the Uncle Hugos link above and make sure you order in advance so he has enough copies on hand!
August 2nd, 1:00 p.m. Barnes & Noble 8625 Northwest Prairie View Rd Spac Kansas City, MO 64153 816-505-3355 https://stores.barnesandnoble.com/store/2184
August 3rd, 7:00 p.m. Barnes & Noble 1920 N. Rock Road Wichita, KS 67206 https://bradleyfair.com/tenants/barnes-noble/
August 4th, 6:00 p.m. Half Price Books 5803 E. NW Highway Dallas, TX 75321 https://www.hpb.com/001
August 5th, 6:00 p.m. Garden District Book Shop New Orleans 2727 Prytania Street New Orleans, LA 70130 https://www.gardendistrictbookshop.com/
August 7th, 1:00 p.m. AAFES Comics/EclipseAAFES 14145 North Dakota Ave Suite SZX01 Fort Leonard Wood, MO 65473
August 8th, Noon Eclipse Books & Comics 814 N Pine Street Rolla, MO, 65401
Okay, people have been asking about when the Monster Hunter Bloodlines audiobook will be out. Normally they come out the same week as the hardcover (until 2020 at least!). But I just talked to Audible and it’s not going to be out until early September, possibly earlier, and I should know the actual release date in a few days.
Heh. Jack sent me this one. So this is on him. 😀 (if you don’t know who Glyer is, just plug that into this blog’s search engine and buckle up)
You know, when Mike Glyer’s baboon transplant heart is finally too clogged to pump anymore of his gravy blood, and he dies, I’m gonna be kinda sad… Not for Glyer. Oh of course not. But I’ll feel sorry for the poor fire department that’s gonna have to cut a hole in the wall and use a livestock hoist to try and remove his giant bloated corpse.
Actually, come to think of it, Mike Glyer will probably be too fat for the fire department to move safely. So they’ll probably just have to pack the corpse with a bunch of dynamite and blow him in place like that beached whale video from the 70s.
So anyways, yesterday I gave some advice about how to write an author bio. Apparently this caused a bad feeling in one of Mike Glyer’s four stomachs, because he posted –
Except I still stand by both of those paragraphs a hundred percent.
Everybody in this business knows the NYT list is horseshit. There’s been lawsuits over it. This is the same list where a conservative politician can be #1 on Nielsen for three week straight and not show up at all on the NYT until he goes on the news about it, and the next week he’ll magically debut at #3. Everybody knows its trash. However publishing plays the game because the title sounds prestigious to the normies.
As for humble brag, oh hell no. There ain’t no humble about it. As usual our big dumb dummy manages to ignore the blatantly obvious parts with his cherry picking. I made it super clear to everyone who isn’t a dishonest hunk of semi-sentient whale blubber that your bio is totally for bragging.
So it makes me sound accomplished to regular people, even though the NYT sucks ass. These things are not mutually exclusive. Duh.
And there ain’t nothing humble about the awards either. I’m proud of my Dragons and the Audies, and despite the bleating of my dumbfuck critics about how it’s bad when I get involved in a popularity contest (but it’s good when they do it!) the Audie is decided by a panel of expert industry judges, and I think I’ve got like 5 other noms for those too. So hell yeah, I’m bragging.
Note, I specifically said I put the Hugo in just out of spite (because the only people it still matters to are the most annoying dipsticks on Earth, and my having one really pisses them off) and lo and behold, from the yeasty comment section of File 770 –
Called it. 😀
But oh no! A random moron thinks I’m a mediocre writer? However will I survive without the shut-in, crazy cat lady, mobility scooter market? (They’re sticking up a bunch of these screen caps on the fan page to make fun of them right now. I’m banned but can still read, but there’s too many to insult them all. They’re all this fucking goofy. Glyers’s regulars are a truly pathetic bunch of losers who live in their own sad reality)
Sad part is, only has-beens and never-weres really do think the Hugo has “prestige” anymore. I tried to warn old school fandom years ago, but that ship done sailed. Oh well. The Hugos are now the Social Justice Awards for Mediocrity and How Many WorldCon Committees We Can Force To Quit With Our Tantrums. You guys murdered it, and the rest of us are watching, grossed out, as you sodomize the corpse.
But… sticking it in a bio sure does upset certain people I really don’t like, so I’ve got that going for me!
So today’s free lesson is going to be how to write a Fanzine, China Mike Glyer style.
BE A DISHONEST PIECE OF SHIT – First you need to make sure that you are completely incapable of honest human communication. Everything you say and do must be cloaked in innuendo for your idiot followers to draw the dumbest possible conclusions from.
PRETEND YOU MATTER – This one is super important. You can only make a career out of bullying authors if they believe you have the power to harm their careers and reputations. As long as writers think you’ve got a huge following, you get to be a fucking douchebag to them for decades with impunity.
BE A USELESS PARASITE – Never create anything of value yourself. Just hang back and sneer at people who do create, that they are creating things wrong.
CHERRY PICK – Whenever you want to smear authors who have displeased you make sure you selectively quote from them in a way that twists the narrative however you want. Don’t worry. Your idiot followers are easily manipulated and don’t care about reality, they just like being angry and smug.
BE A CREEPY WEIRDO STALKER – it’s very important that you lurk in the shadows, constantly following authors everywhere on social media, that way the second they say something that could be twisted to be controversial, you’re on it.
BE A WHINY BITCH – Whenever authors get sick of your years of manipulative lies, immediately begin crying about “civility” and “tone”. Because how dare those people stand up to you? You’re the real victim.
GATHER MOPES – It’s no fun running a shit tier gossip column if you don’t have a gaggle of sycophantic regulars with sub-moronic IQs to hang on your every word. Chinese bots are reliable clicks, but not nearly as good for ego stroking.
DON’T TRY TO SWALLOW A WHOLE CHICKEN WING – Sorry, Mike, those are not “big nuggets”. For a second there I thought we were gonna have to call the fire department and tell them to bring the fork lift and dynamite.
NEVER REVEAL YOU ARE A FRAUD – This one is the most important thing ever, because you can’t keep riding your gravy train (literally in Mike Glyer’s case!) if authors discover that you’re actually not a big deal who needs his ass kissed because he can make and break careers with his huge and important website. While bragging how huge and important your traffic is, never accidentally put up a screen shot showing that 93% of your traffic is from Chinese bots! (but come on, how incredibly fucking stupid would you have to be to out yourself like that? I mean, nobody is that dumb!)
And last of all –
10. KEEP MY NAME OUT OF YOUR WHORE MOUTH. Seriously, you greasy, perverted weirdo. You disgust me. Fuck off and die.
EDIT: Heh. It appears I struck a nerve. 😀 yOu sOuNd aNgRy!!
“Cover” implies Glyer is some kind of journalist. Don’t fall for it. He’s not. He’s a scumbag parasite who profits off of stirring up shit and causing trouble for authors he doesn’t like. Fuckface here makes CNN look honest and unbiased in comparison.